Replacement
by Claire Jones
Summary: One Shot. The first episode, retold. Needless to say, this a parody or some sort of AU. In case there is any confusion. And there shouldn't be.


**This is not a faithful representation of Episode One. Segments have been greatly altered or omitted altogether for author's amusement.**

I'm not really sure if this is an alternate universe or a parody. Please don't hurt me for its absurdity. The story was inspired by a topic started at Harry's by KameKandi suggesting that someone do a redub of WHR. I unfortunately lack a DVD drive on my computer, but I do have Word. So, this is my rewrite of the first episode, mostly seen through Amon's eyes. I don't know what's wrong with my muse. She keeps coming and telling me to write these things. _I just want to write something normal!

* * *

_

Zaizan regarded the man standing before him a moment before he spoke. "It seems as though the members' morale is down lately. Do you think it's because we lost one?"

Amon, who had been watching his comrades in the briefing room below from the window of Zaizan's office, turned his head to look at his boss. "It could be."

"Apparently, Solomon has decided to send us a replacement."

"They've sent a replacement six months after what happened?"

"Are you referring to the incident where you ruthlessly killed your partner without a second thought like I ordered, you heartless bastard? Yes."

"I…don't usually think of it like that."

Zaizan gave Amon a rather perverse smile. "I'm sure you don't. Anyway, do you think they might be up to something? You need to be on your guard, Amon."

"I understand."

"No doubt she's a spy. Solomon has this absurd notion that orbo is bad."

"Why would they think that, sir?" Amon asked perplexed.

"Oh, well, because it's extracted from wi—" Zaizan abruptly stopped, angered that this, this _seed_, had almost tricked him into spilling the beans. "It doesn't matter. They're just overly cautious."

Amon easily accepted the explanation and moved on to other matters. "She's a spy, then?"

"Probably."

"Sir? 'Probably' is _my_ line."

Zaizan glared at his insolent hunter. "If I want to say 'probably,' I can. Do you have any guesses as to why that is?"

"No, sir," Amon meekly replied.

"Because _I'm_ the alpha in this relationship and you're _my_ bitch. Got that?"

Amon obediently looked at the floor and grudgingly nodded. "Yes, sir," he mumbled.

"Now, there seems to be some sort of rumor about this girl. She apparently seduced he last two partners. One happened to be married with two young children."

Amon raised an eyebrow. "Do you believe there is any truth to this rumor?"

"I think that just maybe there is. Since you're about the target age, I'm warning you to watch you dick, uh, back."

"How old is this girl supposedly?"

"Fifteen." Zaizan took a drag on his ridiculously long cigar and blew the smoke in Amon's direction.

"You think I'm going to be seduced by some fifteen year old girl?" the hunter asked incredulously, fighting the urge to swat away the horrid smoke.

"I _certainly_ hope not. I'm reminding you to watch yourself around this girl, that's all."

"I see."

"The hunter Solomon is sending us is apparently a craft user," Zaizan added almost as an afterthought.

A rare look of surprise crossed Amon's face. "A craft user?" he repeated.

"She is apparently very skilled in the element of fire, as well as being known to put a whammy on potential seductees."

"A…whammy, sir?" _Seductee_? his mind added.

"That's correct. The scientific term for the witch ability of someone who easily seduces another."

"I…had no idea."

"Yes," Zaizan began dismissively. "Well, these are the things you know when you're the boss. Run along. I'm through with you for now."

Zaizan waited until Amon had fully left the room then lit another cigar. "I really hate that punk," he muttered to no one in particular. "I just _know_ he's screwing my daughter."

* * *

Pissed with Zaizan, his current status in bitchdom and life in general, Amon headed to Harry's to blow off steam instead of investigating any of the day's cases. Not that it did any good. Just after he had polished off five shots of whisky and begun to feel as though he could once again face the rest of the day, something quite unusual occurred. Minding his own business, Amon happened to pass by what appeared to be an unassuming, pretty young thing dolled up in bizarre pigtails and dressed in a ridiculously out of style floor length gothic black dress with – what was that? Another shorter black dress over the first? _That seems rather redundant_. A strangely out of place fashionable little purse completed the outfit. 

Turning a corner, Amon gave the girl one last glance and nearly stopped dead in his tracks when he found her looking at him. Not one to back down, Amon kept up his end of the stare. To his dismay, the girl still didn't turn her head. Curiously, Amon began to feel an odd sensation in his – um, mind. It seemed to urge him to go to the girl, protect her, take her in his arms, stay with her.

Another step and Amon's view of the girl was cut off by the corner of Harry's hallway. He snapped his head forward and blinked as he exited the building. What on earth had happened? He felt as though he had been placed under some sort of spell. His feet slowly ceased their movements. Amon mechanically turned to peer into the front window of the establishment. He could just make out the silhouette of the girl sitting daintily at a table.

Could this be the new hunter? She hadn't uttered a single word, but as Amon entered his shiny black car, he couldn't help but wonder.

* * *

"And so?" Amon asked Michael through his communicator as he sat randomly by the side of the road unnecessarily impeding traffic. 

"The boss and Doujima are tracking her down right now."

"That's quite an unusual combination," Amon commented, all the while internally envisioning his potential father-in-law in bed with his coworker. He suppressed a shudder.

"It turned out that earlier Doujima had made a snide comment about your taste in young women that apparently Kosaka took the wrong way which _then_ resulted in him sending the girl packing. I hear she's fifteen years old and into the gothic look. Are there any Japanese laws regarding a sixteen year old male sleeping with a fifteen year old girl that I should know about?"

"What exactly did Doujima tell Kosa—?"

"Oh, here's the information. I'll send it via non-linear filter."

* * *

"Haruto and Miss Karasuma are on the move. Timing is according to plan. How is it over there?" the voice crackled questioningly in Amon's ear, alerting him to proceed with the planned hunt that night. 

The dark hunter opened a door and dived into the warehouse by way of an incredibly unnecessary and mostly ridiculous forward roll. _Why is it always a warehouse?_ Amon's mind meanderingly wondered as he searched the inky darkness with only his eyes, gun ready.

"I'm on schedule as well. We'll proceed as planned." Still distracted by thoughts of the girl from Harry's, Amon completely missed the ring of ogham sitting obviously upon the floor as he hurried through the building.

It was not until Amon confronted the witch that he realized his error with the ogham ring. The witch cackled in delight as he effortlessly tripped Amon with the sand from the ring still clinging to his shoes. The hunter futilely attempted to shoot the witch with his gun of orbo, but to no avail.

"God dammit, this is teh suck!" Amon exclaimed unexpectedly and completely out of character.

"If you thought that was bad – wait for this!" The witch maniacally shouted as he sent a metal cart towards Amon's prone figure.

"Take that, bitch!" he hollered as the cart sickeningly slammed against the hunter.

Amon had begun to wonder if this was his end and strangely lamented that he would never find out if that girl from Harry's was the same Lolita that Zaizan had told him would be his new partner. No sooner had the thoughts crossed his mind did an apparition of the girl appear before Amon and fearlessly stood her ground before the witch. His eyes widened as the girl easily deflected the witch's power with her own element of fire. Amon's relief at seeing the girl quickly dissipated when she took aim but missed her target, instead igniting many small fires near the witch's head.

"What the fu – (Oh wait, this is a T rating.) An illusion?" he whispered in confusion.

Only after the girl gave Amon a hard glare did he realized she was corporeal and thus saying something that stupid made him sound like a complete dumbass.

"The replacement." At this point, Amon noticed he was still speaking aloud sounding utterly foolish and decided to shut the hell up.

The witch reached out to attack the girl but she smoothly evaded his grasp and took aim again at the man. As before, the girl missed and started a few more small fires. Amon heard Karasuma and Sakaki rushing towards him and quickly regained his footing, slapping his usual arrogant expression back upon his face. Just before the witch fully attacked the girl a second time, and pushing her to the floor in his attempt, the group collectively opened fire on their hapless victim. Unconscious from the barrage of orbo bullets, the witch fell forward onto the surprised girl's lap.

"Amon?" Sakaki asked hesitantly as he came alongside the veteran hunter. "Did I hear you shout 'that is teh suck'?"

The dark hunter merely issued the rookie his most severe and icy death stare.

Sakaki's eyes widened in fear and panic, then turned away quickly. "Uh, yeah, I didn't think so."

Bewildered, the girl glanced from the man's head in her lap to the other hunters. "What…are you doing?"

Sakaki, who had begun to examine the body, looked up at the girl and smiled warmly. "You must be that little Lolita we've heard so much about."

Robin was taken aback. "The…what?"

"The Lolita, dear," Karasuma supplied, glancing up from the witch. "Unlike our friends at Headquarters, we capture witches instead of killing them. That supposedly makes us 'humane.'" Karasuma made little air quotes with her finders as she said the word.

"'Humane'?" Robin repeated questioningly, mimicking the motions with her own fingers.

"Yes. I just don't trust anyone in power when they use the word 'humane,' especially by someone in a secret world organization like Solomon and in relation to witch hunts."

"Uh _huh_," Robin said slowly as she discreetly opened her telecommunications device and began typing in every word Karasuma said.

"I believe we have gotten someone very special if you can use the whammy – as well as the craft of fire, of course. Don't you think so, Amon?"

"Amon?" the girl repeated as she gazed demurely at towards the man standing nearby.

He frowned back and gave her his most dismissive glare.

"Could you make sure to not use your power of the whammy on me?" Amon began condescendingly. "It's a pain in the neck for me to deal with little girls like yourself who are obsessed with my hotness. Oh, and watch you aim when you use your fire. Someone could get _really_ hurt."

Amon turned on his heel and exited the vicinity.

"Amon, wait a minute!" Karasuma called after the sullen man.

"I'm sorry he's like that, little Lolita," she said embarrassed. "He's a real prick most of the time. I'm sure you'll get used to him. We definitely have!" Karasuma forced a little laugh that even to her ears sounded lame and quickly trailed off.

Robin looked to the retreating figure and hid a smile. _This is an amusing challenge_.

* * *

In what the author of this particular story continues to feel is a very poor and sudden cut scene, Robin is seen typing into her telecommunications device. 

_Firebird: There are very strange people at the STN-J oO_

_SlinkyCat69: OMFG, I KNOW! I was sent to Japan 1 year ago and I was all like WTF is wrong with these people?_

_Firebird: I'm glad to kno it's not just me_

_BarfDog41: I herd ther's a real hottie there _;-)

_SlinkyCat69: Yeah, I think his name is Amun_

_Firebird: It's Amon. He's soooo hawt hawt hawt!_

_SlinkyCat69: You gonna put the whammy on him like those other two guys?_

_Firebird: Waht do YOU think? wink wink_

"Hey kid, stop IMing. You're still on duty." Karasuma looked at the young girl in annoyance before she opened the main doors of an oddly European building.

"Lolita, I would like to welcome you to the STN-J. But remember: if you're not careful, you just may be the one who ends up the hunted."

* * *

All right. That's the last time I do one of these redubs. I don't even think most of that made any sense or had any relevance to _anything_. 

I kind of thought of Robin as this little seductress when I edited a certain screenshot. The concept just stuck.


End file.
